


Drawing Circles In The Sand

by taking heads (team_free_fish)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dead Tavros, Don't Judge Me, Dream Bubbles, Extremely Dubious Consent, I'm Going to Hell, If you're looking for happy PBJ go find something else, M/M, Sadstuck, Sober Gamzee, Sorry Not Sorry, TW: Emotional Manipulation, TW: Manipulative Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-20 13:09:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/team_free_fish/pseuds/taking%20heads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tavros wandered around for what seemed to be a couple days, though in the dream bubbles, you could never really tell how much time had truly passed.</p><p>It came as quite a shock when Gamzee, in a purple God Tier outfit, stood tall in front of Tavros.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is Not What We Used to Be

**Author's Note:**

> I like writing manipulative relationships. I'm not good at it. But really, if you are looking for a nice, happy, fluffy and/or smutty PBJ fic, gtfo there is nothing but pain. Pain and I'm a terrible person.
> 
> I am a terrible person who is maniacally twisting my own OTP to bits.

Tavros wandered around for what seemed to be a couple days, though in the dream bubbles, you could never really tell how much time had truly passed. It didn’t matter when you were dead, and eternity was no different than one week. Sometimes you could figure it out by how much you’ve talked to another person, but even those conversations were slowly dulled in the face of forever; many are useless and forgotten almost as soon as they were had.

It came as quite a shock when Gamzee, in a purple God Tier outfit, stood tall in front of Tavros.

**GAMZEE: hey tavbro, my main motherfucker.**

**GAMZEE: HOW IS MY MOTHERFUCKER DOING UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER?**

**TAVROS: oH, gAMZEE, HEY,**

There was something agonizingly different about Gamzee. He was harsher, and he had a look in his eyes that held so much more contempt than he had ever seen in him. Normally, he was lighthearted, whimsical, had a warmth in his eyes. Gamzee smiled a very toothy grin, showing off every one of his sharp teeth. Tavros’ heart began to pound. It was irrational. Gamzee had been his best friend, and there was no reason to be scared.

Yet the way he could bore holes with his stare, the way that he was smiling, the scar on his face, the way that he had leaned in closer to Tavros so that the illusion of being towered over was heightened really did frighten him, just a little bit.

**GAMZEE: i didn’t mean to get my scare on.**

**TAVROS: nO, IT’S OKAY, i’M FINE,**

**GAMZEE: I JUST WANTED TO SEE A MOTHERFUCKER I HAVEN’T SEEN IN A LONG FUCKING WHILE.**

**TAVROS: yEAH, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO,**

**TAVROS: hAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE i, DIED, i GUESS,**

**GAMZEE: i’ve been thinking about you a lot, bro.**

**GAMZEE: BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING GOOD TIMES WE HAD.**

**TAVROS: wE HAD A LOT OF THOSE, DIDN’T WE,**

**TAVROS: sICK FIRES AND ALL, HEHE,**

**GAMZEE: those were good times, my brother.**

**GAMZEE: BUT I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT THOSE FUCKING TIMES.**

**GAMZEE: we had so much fun.**

**GAMZEE: BUT YOU GOT TOO FUCKING WITHERED; I HAD TO MOTHERFUCKING FIND YOU.**

Tavros had no idea what Gamzee was talking about, but he knew that this wasn’t the Gamzee he knew. He wondered if it was some sort of doomed timeline or alternate version of him. In fact, he was praying it wasn't the real Gamzee.

**TAVROS: wHAT DO YOU, UH, MEAN,**

**GAMZEE: don’t be scared, tavbro.**

**GAMZEE: AND DON’T FUCKING STUTTER, IT MAKES MY MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD BOIL.**

**TAVROS: i’M SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN TO,**

**TAVROS: lOOK, THIS PROBABLY ISN’T THE BEST TIME, SO i THINK i’M GOING TO GO,**

**TAVROS: iT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU, AS ALWAYS,**

**TAVROS: mAYBE NEXT TIME WE CAN LAY DOWN SOME SICK FIRES,**

**TAVROS: i THINK THAT WOULD BE NICE,**

He could see a look of disappointment in Gamzee’s entire face, but at the same time, wanted to be far away from this Gamzee, who was so different than his old best friend. Gamzee’s face fell from the sharp grin, to a mouth barely open, breath lightly touching Tavros’ face. Tavros began to inch away from Gamzee’s towering body. This wasn’t the Gamzee he cared about, and no matter how much this Gamzee pleaded, he wouldn’t stay.

Except this particular Gamzee didn’t plead.

**GAMZEE: I SAID DON’T FUCKING GO, MOTHERFUCKER.**

**GAMZEE: i just wanted to talk with my favorite bro.**

**GAMZEE: I HAVE TO LAY DOWN SOME WORDS ONTO THIS MOTHERFUCKER.**

Gamzee put his hands on Tavros’ shoulders, a firm grip, but not digging in. Tavros’ heart was hammering now. Gamzee leaned in close, Tavros’ face only an inch away from his own. Tavros tried to focus on everything else. The soft, hot breeze as it dusted small grains of sand across the terrain, the way that the little gusts hit his heels through his sandals, the golden sky.

**GAMZEE: i just want to say what’s all up in my heart right now.**

Gamzee didn’t say anything. Instead, he snaked his arms further back, over Tavros’ shoulders, and pulled him in even closer. Gamzee kissed him, open-mouthed and desperate. Tavros didn’t know what to do. There was nothing to do. His old best friend was kissing him, and there was nowhere to go. He closed his eyes, and steadily put his arms around Gamzee. At some point he began kissing back, mostly just hoping it would take his mind away from the uneasiness Gamzee had settled in him. It didn’t.

**GAMZEE: YOU’RE EVEN FUCKING BETTER WHEN YOU CAN KISS THE FUCK BACK.**

**GAMZEE: that’s what i’ve been up and meaning to say.**

**GAMZEE: BUT A MOTHERFUCKER CAN’T MOTHERFUCKING SAY IT TO THE FACE OF A MOTHERFUCKER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE REST OF HIS MOTHERFUCKING BODY.**

**GAMZEE: i love you, tavbro.**

Tavros didn’t know what to say. The words hit him hard and sent the aftershocks through his stomach. He didn’t know how to react to that. He’d known that Gamzee had once been flushed for him, but coming to terms with it now was almost too much for him. He said the only thing that came to mind.

**TAVROS: i,**

**TAVROS: lOVE YOU, TOO,**

He hadn’t really meant to say it. The words “I love you” just slipped out, and it was too late to take them back.

Deep down he knew they were a lie. But if you believe hard enough in something, it becomes less fake. Even so, he didn't know if he could fall fall in love with Gamzee, now.He and Gamzee had been friends for who knows how long and then an eternity after (even though that eternity was spent without ever seeing or talking to Gamzee). He always felt more confident around Gamzee, and he and Gamzee were always equals. But those feelings were lost somewhere in the blur of forever. And Gamzee had changed. He knew that was why Gamzee had looked down at him, with contempt, with pity more than anything. Because it was instinctual. Because when Gamzee is sober, he and Tavros aren’t equal anymore. Not in his eyes.

And yet, Tavros trusted Gamzee more than he’d ever trusted anyone else. Tavros leaned into Gamzee’s shoulder, hugging him tight, trying not to think about the codpiece jutting into his thigh. Tavros squeezed his eyes shut, and pretended that Gamzee was smiling a big, happy smile, talking with ebbs and flows, thinking about sick slam poetry. He realized that he would probably do anything to have that Gamzee back.

As the arms around Tavros tightened, he almost believed, for one second, that he did. But that notion faded quickly, and Tavros’ heart sank. Gamzee still smelled like he always had.

**GAMZEE: I FUCKING WANT YOU.**

**GAMZEE: don’t be scared, i love you, tavbro.**

**GAMZEE: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE MOTHERFUCKING FINE.**

**GAMZEE: i changed for the better.**

**GAMZEE: HONK :O)**

Gamzee whispered something in Tavros’ ear, then slowly stood back up, standing completely apart from Tavros except for one hand on Tavros’ left shoulder.

**TAVROS: sURE, i GUESS,**

Gamzee smiled wide, the grin with all of his teeth returning. He leaned down and kissed Tavros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dies in corner* *resurrects to write next chapter* why


	2. I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

He hadn’t meant to say yes. Or maybe he had, still knowing that deep down it was a bad idea. Then again, Tavros could never trust his gut feelings. It was an ongoing argument with himself.

It was strange, though. Even though he never really got the “old” Gamzee back, per se, he was softer, let out deep chuckles sometimes, was overall just less frightening. He’d even stopped bothering differentiating between “this” Gamzee and “old” Gamzee; the notion that he would have the same Gamzee from before the game was a lost notion that he’d let go of some time ago. Unfortunately, Gamzee was never there.

Tavros had settled himself in some old memory of Gamzee’s hive. His lusus was sometimes out at sea if Tavros looked through the window, and the smell of fresh baked sopor pies lingered constantly. Gamzee hated it. He hated seeing his ghost lusus, and he hated the smell of the sopor. But he loved Tavros.

Tavros would occasionally hear the sound of notes chiming from one of those wind-up music boxes, and Gamzee would appear, in that same purple god tier outfit. He’d grin with all of his teeth, and he’d come and hug Tavros. He’d kiss along Tavros’ neck, occasionally his dragging teeth, but barely drawing blood.

They’d kiss until their lips were swollen, the Gamzee would slowly inch his claws into the waist of Tavros’ pants. The first few times, Tavros told him to stop. It wasn’t that he was scared, or worried, but because he simply didn’t want to. He didn’t want to go that far with someone who he hardly knew anymore. That very thought solidified in his head. _I hardly know him anymore_. But there wasn’t anything to know about him. It’s just Gamzee. And Gamzee would always _be_ Gamzee. The first few times, Gamzee stopped, pulled his fingers out from under the elastic, and just kept kissing Tavros’ neck until it was smeared brown and covered in bruises.

The next time was different. It wasn’t that Tavros’ hadn’t told him to stop, it’s just that Gamzee didn’t. Gamzee undid the button of Tavros’ jeans, and Tavros froze, just sitting there, pleading quietly for him to not do anything. At that point, it would’ve been impossible for Tavros to overthrow Gamzee. He was pressed hopelessly against a wall while Gamzee stripped him, and was only quieted by the press of chilled fingers against his nook. One of Gamzee’s hands pinned Tavros down by the horn, while the other one petted stripes up and down his nook, teasing him, petting his thighs, coaxing out his bulge.

Tavros cried out, whimpered, even screamed. He was fighting back, but it was proving to be futile. He only stopped when Gamzee’s voice boomed, teeth snapping in front of him.

**GAMZEE: YOU BETTER MOTHERFUCKING SHUT UP, BEFORE I GET MY RAGE ON.**

It was accented by a press of claws into where Tavros’ horns met his scalp, sending blood dripping down the right side of his face. Tavros gritted his teeth, closing his mouth, and took a deep, angry breath. Gamzee’s face softened, smiling. Gamzee had removed his own clothes, and had pressed himself flush against Tavros, allowing both of their unsheathed bulges to entwine.

Gamzee leaned his face close to the crook of Tavros’ neck, and Tavros took that chance to sink his teeth into Gamzee’s left shoulder, which had been within good range when Gamzee tilted his head in the fashion he had. Gamzee was unphased. He licked his ear lobe, sending shivers down Tavros’ spine, and whispered in his ear.

**GAMZEE: i’m sorry.**

The words hit him like a sudden snowstorm in a hot desert; it was fast, cold, and so utterly unexpected. The actions warranted an apology, sure, but it wasn’t that. They warranted more than an apology, and yet for being so underwhelming, Tavros felt like “I’m sorry” meant so much more. Those words were the only thing he could hold on to while feeling vulnerable, while being violated by a friend he once once cherished and cared about probably more than any other friend he had. He held onto those words and he never let go. He had stopped biting Gamzee, and was feeling more subdued. Gamzee took it as his cue to continue.

“I’m sorry” meant that Gamzee cared. It meant that whatever he was doing wasn’t just an empty charade. It was love in a twisted, turned around form. Tavros felt it. Tavros felt it as Gamzee fucked him. He even reciprocated it. He sucked and licked and bit where he could reach on Gamzee’s chest, he slid his arms around Gamzee to knead his shoulders.

“I’m sorry” meant that it would all be okay.

It's Okay.


	3. Lil' Cal, Lil' Cal, Where Art Thou?

It had been days, or weeks, or maybe months, who knows, since Gamzee was last there. Tavros went out to the beach. He walked, rather than flying; he just wasn’t feeling it. He wasn’t really feeling anything, he felt numb inside, hollow, like something was missing but he just couldn’t place it. He vaguely remembers feeling the same way some time ago. He doesn’t remember when, or what had happened, but it was a familiar feeling. Tavros sat in the sand, his knees close to his chest and his hands sprawled behind him. It was warm out here, but it wasn’t unbearable. In this dream bubble, the sun doesn’t come up.

Tavros also noticed that Gamzee’s lusus was always out there, in the ocean, in the distance. It just swam back and forth, back and forth. He knew it wasn’t Gamzee’s real lusus, just the sad memory of it swimming in the distance. He sat straighter, removing one hand from behind him. He dragged his finger across the sand, just tracing circles over and over again. It was calming. He continued watching Gamzee’s lusus, at the same time, thinking about Gamzee.

He remembered that Gamzee’s lusus was always at sea, rather than taking care of him. He remembered that it was the reason Gamzee started eating sopor slime. Tavros felt suddenly guilty for thinking that the old Gamzee, high on the stuff, was better than this Gamzee. He then reminded himself that there are no old an new Gamzees. It’s just Gamzee. Just Gamzee, one Gamzee.

Tavros looked at the sky, starless and blank. Left empty by the demon destroying dream bubbles and their inhabitants. He and Vriska were trying to find the treasure before he’d left. The treasure would have been able to stop the demon, or so it was said. Vriska seemed like so long ago, like forever ago. There was a ring. The ring that the other boy took, he was going to give it to Vriska because he loved her. He still loved her...

Tavros looked back at Gamzee’s hive, looking at the window. He’d long since stopped tracing circles, lost in his thoughts. The window was different. He realized that the puppet was gone. A while ago, there used to be a puppet all dressed in green, smiling wide with not only it’s mouth, but with the great big, blue eyes. It was somewhat creepy. Tavros wondered when it had been taken away from the window.

He stood up, brushing sand off of himself, and then walked quickly to the hive. He went to the window, where the puppet used to be. It was strange not seeing it there, not to say that it was comforting seeing it there before, but it was uncomfortable seeing it missing. He runs his fingers along the glass absently, before going inside.

It isn’t long before Gamzee makes an appearance (Or maybe it is, who knows?). Before Gamzee can make it across the block, Tavros asks him about the puppet.

**TAVROS: wHERE DID THAT PUPPET GO,**

**TAVROS: tHE ONE THAT WAS BY THE WINDOW,**

**TAVROS: i’TS JUST, i DONT KNOW, WEIRD NOT SEEING IT, i GUESS,**

**GAMZEE: don’t you worry, tavbro.**

**GAMZEE: CAL IS GOING TO BE WORKING FOR THE TRUE MIRTHFUL MOTHERFUCKING MESSIAH.**

**GAMZEE: i’ll give him to a good brother.**

**GAMZEE: HE CHOPPED OFF HIS MOTHERFUCKING LEG AND GOUGED OUT HIS FUCKING EYES IN THE NAME OF THE MESSIAH. NOT YET. BUT HE WILL. MOTHER FUCKING MIRACLES.**

**GAMZEE: the curse will come from his soul. the curse will be brought upon by the lord himself.**

**GAMZEE: HONK HONK, MOTHERFUCKER. :O)**

**TAVROS: uH, WHAT, ARE YOU SAYING, EXACTLY,**

**TAVROS: aCTUALLY, i DON’T THINK IT REALLY MATTERS,**

**TAVROS: i WAS JUST WONDERING, IS ALL,**

**TAVROS: bUT i GUESS i CAN’T SAY i’LL MISS IT,**

**TAVROS: uH, SO,**

**GAMZEE: honk honk.**

Gamzee looked crazed, maybe more than usual, but it’s hard to say with him gone so much. Gamzee walked over and put his hands on Tavros’ shoulders, a tight grip, probably even too tight. Gamzee looked him dead in the eyes, turning his head a little bit, almost as if he was curious, before he spoke again.

**GAMZEE: ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING SCARED, MOTHERFUCKER?**

**GAMZEE: i’m not someone you need to be all up and getting your nervous on about, my main motherfucker.**

**GAMZEE: ALL THEM PAUSES IN YOUR WORDS MAKE A MOTHERFUCKER WANT TO CRUSH YOUR LOWBLOOD FUCKING BONES BETWEEN MY FINGERS, AND WE DON’T MOTHER FUCKING WANT THAT, DO WE?**

Tavros looked at him, taken aback by Gamzee’s words. Gamzee shook him while he said the last line, digging his fingers into Tavros’ shoulders until there were bruises forming in Tavros’ skin. His fingers would have formed bruises, that is, had it not been in the dream bubbles. Tavros just stood there, gaping, heart hammering, waiting for words to come.

**TAVROS: i’M SORRY,**

He finally said, and Gamzee’s fingers stopped digging into his skin. Gamzee rubbed at Tavros’ shoulders, gently, almost comfortingly.

**GAMZEE: i’m sorry, too, tav. i was just watching out for a brother. i would never hurt my main motherfucker.**

Gamzee smiled, wide, and wrapped his arms around Tavros, bringing him close. Tavros focused on the smell of Gamzee, his warmth, his closeness. Gamzee wasn’t dead, so he was warm, despite the cool blood of a his high caste. Tavros relaxed a little, though was still a bit dazed.

Gamzee’s fingers soon found their way down. Tavros thought about protesting, but decided against it. It had been a while since he’d seen Gamzee, and it would probably be awhile before he would see Gamzee again. He let it happen, and when Gamzee finally left, he whispered a quick “I’m sorry,” into Tavros’ ear. He wondered if it had just started to become something Gamzee said to make him calm down. That aside, it still made him feel a lot more comfortable with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm attempting to update regularly, but to be honest , I am no poster child of punctual updating. In fact, I'd venture so far as to say that I REALLY FUCKING SUCK AT UPDATING REGULARLY. I am working on it, though. Go, Self Improvement, I choose you!
> 
> Additional note (as of Aug. 4th): I've gone back and added dialogue formatting because I didn't feel like coding it before, and now I have, so yay pretty colors. And pretty colors from here on out!


End file.
